Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
