erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I forget how to act sober
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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