i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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