I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize