Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Houston, we have a blender
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize