My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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