oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
