I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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