I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My pussy is not your playground.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize