the condom got lost in my hair
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
