I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
