I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
