I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
