we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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