i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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