The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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