you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
