And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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