what day is it and did you see me today?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize