I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
