True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
