I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
