I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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