I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
