I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I love having hate sex.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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