Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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