I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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