Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
