we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
