shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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