i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
