there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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