If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize