Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
