Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
