My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
