Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
