Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
