This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
