my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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