The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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