Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
