My hand turned me down
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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