Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
