I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
