I swear she didn't look like that last week.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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