If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
