I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
