I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
