I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
