dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
two words...techno handjob
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
