Soap is not a condiment
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
