I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
