Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
