seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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