If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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