I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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