you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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