my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
