Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
