I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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