did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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