even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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