you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
