Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
