Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
