i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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