He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
