All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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