I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
